Every addict no matter what the addiction has a 'trigger' that is like shooting a bullet from a gun. The trigger will send a normally responsible person into a state of insanity! The addict will find themselves fighting an internal battle against the forces of his/her own mind. I know because I AM an addict! When I started down the road and journey toward recovery I thought my only addiction was to alcohol. But throughout the process of learning myself, I have discovered that I'm also addicted to food and acceptance of people. I have learned this addiction is called being co-dependent! As times goes by, I will probably discover that there is other addictions that I have yet to acknowledge.
Stress is my biggest trigger to pushing me toward the desire to succumb to the beckoning of the bottle. The first signs of stress when I feel my body tensing like a rubber band that is being wound too tight, my taste buds also start to salivate as my mind begins to remember the 'relaxing effects' of the alcohol. This is when my struggle begins as I fight against the draw to alcohol. I instantly become short tempered and I know this about myself so I try to distance myself from my family because I KNOW I have caused them too much pain when I was still drinking. So in my mind, to prevent further pain and confusion, I try to distance myself until the wave of strong alcohol desire subsides. However, my family doesn't understand the sudden withdrawal and misunderstand my actions as hostility towards them and some even speculate that I am secretly drinking again. It becomes a vicious circle because their negative feelings lead me into further stress and my stress leads them into further negative feelings!
Thankfully, I have an understanding husband who has been to hell and back with me and has learned when he sees the cycle begin, he will lovingly pull me off to the side and support me as I am able to talk my feelings out. I know the importance of having a 'sponsor' with any addiction but I also understand about having a supportive spouse in the recovery process.
S T R E S S = stinking thinking resulting everytime stress succumbs!! So I am learning (because the learning process never stops) to stop thinking, relax, enjoy, sweet surroundings. In other words, when S T R E S S beckons me to take a drink, I will remind myself that there is a true beauty to beheld in not only family relations but life in general when I just take the time to open my eyes, heart, and soul.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Mistakes
Well, I was doing good, or so I thought...but on June 9, 2011 I not only fell off the wagon but I took a diving leap off the wagon!!
I don't remember my thought process before taking the first drink other than I was tired from a strenuous night at work and I wanted to relax so that I could sleep. I do remember thinking, 'surely one little drink won't hurt' WRONG!!! When I woke up and realized that not only had I lied to my husband about being drunk when he called me, but I had lied to myself about being a true alcoholic! I felt so ashamed and embarrassed! I didn't want to face my family much less myself in the mirror! When my husband came home and I had to face the pain in his face after seeing such pride in his eyes when I got sober, it was heart wrenching! I wanted to sit still as the dirt fell in on me from the deep whole I had just dug thereby burying myself under the weight of guilt, pain, embarrassment, and shame! A part of me hoped that the heavy burden would be too much for my heart to handle and that I would die never having to face the realization of what I had done. It was a horrible realization but freeing at the same time.
I had taken the step a few weeks before to publicly admit that I was an alcoholic. Now, I had NO choice but to stand in front of the mirror and admit to myself that I was an alcoholic and had NO control over alcohol! That was my realization. I started the process of AA to satisfy my family and I had convinced myself that I really wasn't an alcoholic as long as I only took a 'little drink' from time to time. However, on that day, I had to comprehend that for me there was no such thing as 'a little drink'!
I had finally realized that alcohol had taken me on road I didn't want or intend to be on and had then kept me there longer than I wanted to stay. My mistake was not in taking that first drink but rather in THINKING that I COULD take that first drink! I now KNEW that for me, alcohol in any capacity was poison to my mind, body, and soul and would NEVER again allow me to consume it in moderation! I also realized that simply saying I would never drink again was not good enough! I had to not allow myself to touch it! To even feel the shape of the bottle in my hand started my mind in remembering the warmth of the poison going down my throat, the feeling of being lifted into oblivion, and the warped thinking that 'I wasn't hurting anyone by simply relaxing'!!
I always heard the saying that 'facing oneself was the hardest person to face' but I never understood it until this episode. Will I stay sober...only time will tell. AND THAT my friends is an honest answer!! But I can say that I am progressing towards a lifetime of sobriety and that is done one step at a time, one day at a time, and even one minute at a time! Today I am sober and even though I don't hold onto the past, I have to remember it so that I can learn from it while NOT repeating it!
I don't remember my thought process before taking the first drink other than I was tired from a strenuous night at work and I wanted to relax so that I could sleep. I do remember thinking, 'surely one little drink won't hurt' WRONG!!! When I woke up and realized that not only had I lied to my husband about being drunk when he called me, but I had lied to myself about being a true alcoholic! I felt so ashamed and embarrassed! I didn't want to face my family much less myself in the mirror! When my husband came home and I had to face the pain in his face after seeing such pride in his eyes when I got sober, it was heart wrenching! I wanted to sit still as the dirt fell in on me from the deep whole I had just dug thereby burying myself under the weight of guilt, pain, embarrassment, and shame! A part of me hoped that the heavy burden would be too much for my heart to handle and that I would die never having to face the realization of what I had done. It was a horrible realization but freeing at the same time.
I had taken the step a few weeks before to publicly admit that I was an alcoholic. Now, I had NO choice but to stand in front of the mirror and admit to myself that I was an alcoholic and had NO control over alcohol! That was my realization. I started the process of AA to satisfy my family and I had convinced myself that I really wasn't an alcoholic as long as I only took a 'little drink' from time to time. However, on that day, I had to comprehend that for me there was no such thing as 'a little drink'!
I had finally realized that alcohol had taken me on road I didn't want or intend to be on and had then kept me there longer than I wanted to stay. My mistake was not in taking that first drink but rather in THINKING that I COULD take that first drink! I now KNEW that for me, alcohol in any capacity was poison to my mind, body, and soul and would NEVER again allow me to consume it in moderation! I also realized that simply saying I would never drink again was not good enough! I had to not allow myself to touch it! To even feel the shape of the bottle in my hand started my mind in remembering the warmth of the poison going down my throat, the feeling of being lifted into oblivion, and the warped thinking that 'I wasn't hurting anyone by simply relaxing'!!
I always heard the saying that 'facing oneself was the hardest person to face' but I never understood it until this episode. Will I stay sober...only time will tell. AND THAT my friends is an honest answer!! But I can say that I am progressing towards a lifetime of sobriety and that is done one step at a time, one day at a time, and even one minute at a time! Today I am sober and even though I don't hold onto the past, I have to remember it so that I can learn from it while NOT repeating it!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a word that we all struggle to achieve from our family members, co-workers, friends, and even our neighbors for subjecting them to our drunken fits held publicly in the front yard! However, the one person who is the hardest to ask forgiveness from is the one person who HAS to forgive us for us to go to the next level of healing. That person is 'self'. We have to learn to forgive ourselves before the forgiveness of anyone else can add to the healing aspect of our recovery.
We say the words, 'I forgive myself' but do we? Or do we constantly replay our past mistakes in our minds and constantly rethink our bad choices all along the way. 'if I turned left instead of turning right, if i had went straight home after the party, if i had never started drinking in the first place' If, If, If....we have all said it applying to all aspects of our lives. But we can't go back in a time machine and rearrange our actions altering the course we have already walked. We can't take back words already put in the air. We can't take back emotions or actions or thoughts, or scars. All we can do is to keep putting one foot in the front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time and pray that when situations come up again that may cause us to stray from the sober path, that we will be strong enough to avoid the bad choices and continue on the right path.
In the meantime along our journey we can only 'forgive ourselves' and lay down at the end of each day knowing that our healing has ultimately got to come from God above and from within in our minds and souls. We have to forgive ourselves even when others are too hurt to forgive us for that is truly the biggest step in finding peace!
We say the words, 'I forgive myself' but do we? Or do we constantly replay our past mistakes in our minds and constantly rethink our bad choices all along the way. 'if I turned left instead of turning right, if i had went straight home after the party, if i had never started drinking in the first place' If, If, If....we have all said it applying to all aspects of our lives. But we can't go back in a time machine and rearrange our actions altering the course we have already walked. We can't take back words already put in the air. We can't take back emotions or actions or thoughts, or scars. All we can do is to keep putting one foot in the front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time and pray that when situations come up again that may cause us to stray from the sober path, that we will be strong enough to avoid the bad choices and continue on the right path.
In the meantime along our journey we can only 'forgive ourselves' and lay down at the end of each day knowing that our healing has ultimately got to come from God above and from within in our minds and souls. We have to forgive ourselves even when others are too hurt to forgive us for that is truly the biggest step in finding peace!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Lines
Through the journey of coming to realistic terms of my alcoholism, I have had to come to terms with the aspects of my life that have made me into an alcoholic. Some if not most of the aspects are very difficult to admit and come to terms with. Aspects such as childhood abuses from trusted adults, domestic abuses both verbally and physically in my own adulthood, extreme low self esteem, as well as many other aspects caused from just feeling like crap all the way from my insides to my outsides. Never feeling like I was worth the time of day. Alcohol was my friend during such low moments. Alcohol was never judgmental of my mistakes or bad choices in life. Alcohol was always warming to the cold depths of my being. Alcohol was always welcoming no matter the time of day or night. Alcohol never cared what I was wearing or how my hair and make up looked. Alcohol was my comforter in times of sadness or depression. Alcohol was always forgiving for the many times I did leave it alone for months and even years on end and always embraced me without hesitation when I did pick it up again. I never had to justify myself to the alcohol or explain my actions, feelings, or thoughts.
So why then if alcohol was my friend, do I now find myself trying desperately to escape its grip? Because alcohol was my enemy and will never be my friend again I just didn't know it until now! The realization of the death grip that alcohol had on me causes me great sadness. I have allowed alcohol to ruin many relationships with family that will probably never be able to be able repaired but I can pray for restoration.
Is it true that family genes and heredity add to the possibility of alcoholism? Probably so but it is not the deciding factor on the victims that get sucked into the vortex of alcoholism. I have other family members who have not fallen prey to the demon in the bottom of the bottle. So then why did I become such a willing victim. That answer dear friends, is where the individual work begins for every recovering addict no matter the addiction. We all wonder how and why we got to this place. Why us? When and how did it happen? We didn't just wake up one day and say, 'i think i want to grow up and be a drunk.'.
Ultimately, the how's and why's don't matter as much as the fact that We ARE ALCOHOLICS and only avoidance of the twisted liquid will ever free us long enough to maybe figure how to find the strength, courage, and determination to gain the strength that will keep us sober.
Each time we wake from a drunken stupor we 'draw a line in the sand of life' and say' Never again' but the waves of life soon come up and erase the line the we so determinedly drew. So the only way we can stop the cycle is to draw the line in 'cement of determination and conviction'. A line that is drawn in sand can and will easily be erased and forgotten but a line drawn in cement will forever be edged in our minds and hearts and will constantly remind us of where we came from as drunks to the where we are now as sober individuals.
Even though none of us like to think of our sorted pasts or past mistakes, we must remember so that we can appreciate where we are today. We must remember the destructive path we walked to now know the importance of the road to sobriety for not only for our loved ones but for ourselves.
So why then if alcohol was my friend, do I now find myself trying desperately to escape its grip? Because alcohol was my enemy and will never be my friend again I just didn't know it until now! The realization of the death grip that alcohol had on me causes me great sadness. I have allowed alcohol to ruin many relationships with family that will probably never be able to be able repaired but I can pray for restoration.
Is it true that family genes and heredity add to the possibility of alcoholism? Probably so but it is not the deciding factor on the victims that get sucked into the vortex of alcoholism. I have other family members who have not fallen prey to the demon in the bottom of the bottle. So then why did I become such a willing victim. That answer dear friends, is where the individual work begins for every recovering addict no matter the addiction. We all wonder how and why we got to this place. Why us? When and how did it happen? We didn't just wake up one day and say, 'i think i want to grow up and be a drunk.'.
Ultimately, the how's and why's don't matter as much as the fact that We ARE ALCOHOLICS and only avoidance of the twisted liquid will ever free us long enough to maybe figure how to find the strength, courage, and determination to gain the strength that will keep us sober.
Each time we wake from a drunken stupor we 'draw a line in the sand of life' and say' Never again' but the waves of life soon come up and erase the line the we so determinedly drew. So the only way we can stop the cycle is to draw the line in 'cement of determination and conviction'. A line that is drawn in sand can and will easily be erased and forgotten but a line drawn in cement will forever be edged in our minds and hearts and will constantly remind us of where we came from as drunks to the where we are now as sober individuals.
Even though none of us like to think of our sorted pasts or past mistakes, we must remember so that we can appreciate where we are today. We must remember the destructive path we walked to now know the importance of the road to sobriety for not only for our loved ones but for ourselves.
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