Mistakes

Well, I was doing good, or so I thought...but on June 9, 2011 I not only fell off the wagon but I took a diving leap off the wagon!!

I don't remember my thought process before taking the first drink other than I was tired from a strenuous night at work and I wanted to relax so that I could sleep.  I do remember thinking, 'surely one little drink won't hurt'  WRONG!!!  When I woke up and realized that not only had I lied to my husband about being drunk when he called me, but I had lied to myself about being a true alcoholic!  I felt so ashamed and embarrassed!  I didn't want to face my family much less myself in the mirror!  When my husband came home and I had to face the pain in his face after seeing such pride in his eyes when I got sober, it was heart wrenching!  I wanted to sit still as the dirt fell in on me from the deep whole I had just dug thereby burying myself under the weight of guilt, pain, embarrassment, and shame!  A part of me hoped that the heavy burden would be too much for my heart to handle and that I would die never having to face the realization of what I had done.  It was a horrible realization but freeing at the same time.

I had taken the step a few weeks before to publicly admit that I was an alcoholic.  Now, I had NO choice but to stand in front of the mirror and admit to myself that I was an alcoholic and had NO control over alcohol!  That was my realization.  I started the process of AA to satisfy my family and I had convinced myself that I really wasn't an alcoholic as long as I only took a 'little drink' from time to time.   However, on that day, I had to comprehend that for me there was no such thing as 'a little drink'!

I had finally realized that alcohol had taken me on road I didn't want or intend to be on and had then kept me there longer than I wanted to stay.    My mistake was not in taking that first drink but rather in THINKING that I COULD take that first drink!  I now KNEW that for me, alcohol in any capacity was poison to my mind, body, and soul and would NEVER again allow me to consume it in moderation!  I also realized that simply saying I would never drink again was not good enough!  I had to not allow myself to touch it!  To even feel the shape of the bottle in my hand started my mind in remembering the warmth of the poison going down my throat, the feeling of being lifted into oblivion, and the warped thinking that 'I wasn't hurting anyone by simply relaxing'!!

I always heard the saying that 'facing oneself was the hardest person to face'  but I never understood it until this episode.  Will I stay sober...only time will tell.  AND THAT my friends is an honest answer!!  But I can say that I am progressing towards a lifetime of sobriety and that is done one step at a time, one day at a time, and even one minute at a time!  Today I am sober and even though I don't hold onto the past, I have to remember it so that I can learn from it while NOT repeating it!