Monday, May 23, 2011

Day 7

   It has been exactly a week since I made the life changing decision to take step one by admitting I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become a mess!   This is paraphrased out of the 12 step program of AA but when you think about it, it is the first step in any part of your life that needs to be changed or fixed.  Whether it's over eating, gambling, smoking, drinking, indulging in unsafe sex habits, or anything that prevents you from being a productive, healthy, and happy person.
    That word 'happy' is a word that has stuck out in my mind for several days now.  The Webster's definition of happy is content, pleased, or joyous.  As an alcoholic, I was the first person to drunkenly stand at attention and announce, 'I am happy with my life!  I like to drink and get drunk and I ain't hurting no one cause it's my life and it makes me happy!'   But when I started working through the 12 steps of recovery, I discovered that I wasn't happy after all.  In fact, I was miserable, sad, lonely, and heading towards the depths of darkness of no escape.
     How can there be such confusion in the simple meaning of a little five lettered word?  When I was drinking and riding the roller coaster of going from a state of being sober, going up the hill of laughter and silliness, going around the curve of slurred speech and stumping steps, up the hill of singing and being loving, to going down the hill the lost loves, forgotten friends, past mistakes, where I would finally come to rest for a moment on top of a steep hill where I could rest for a moment, but only for a moment, before I plunged into the darkness of anger, hostility, cruel words, tears, and sometimes violent acts if I were still sober enough to stand.  With one more drink, the ride would begin again and again and last until I finally ran out of alcohol or passed out from over indulgence.  
     There were a few times when I would be solely alone for the 'alcoholic roller coaster ride' but most times, I was with my family and forcing them to watch and witness and become unwilling participates in the destructive ride.   The next day when I would wake from a drunken stupor, I would wonder why everyone was so mad and on edge because after all, I hadn't hurt anyone...I had just gotten drunk to relieve some stress and make myself 'HAPPY'.

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