I activated this blog several days ago but had no idea what I was going to write about so I left it blank. But today I found the voice I needed to share or put down in 'words' as my blog is called. The words I need to voice is related to my journey towards sobriety. I spoke words tonight in a room full of men and women some of whom I had worked along beside for years and some I met for the first time. I spoke words I never dreamed I would ever have to say. I spoke words that tasted like poison as I was saying them. I spoke words that stuck in my throat and only came out after the tears started to flow. I spoke the words, 'my name is Julie and I'm an alcoholic'.
I went to the first meeting because after years of fooling myself and thinking I was fooling others, I was on the verge of loosing my family and possibly even my life so I made a simple phone call to an unknown person who seemed like a long lost friend before the conversation ended. Her name won't be shared here but I pray I never forget her name. I know I will never forget her voice. I simply told her I was a drunk and I needed help. She began telling me her story and some of her struggles and my mouth fell open as I realized she was also telling my story. It was a story of hurt, pain, confusion, and frustration. However those feelings were not her own, but rather feelings she had caused to the ones around her, her family. She told a story so much like my own, I could hear my own voice and it was scary but relieving at the same time. Relieving because I wasn't the only one with this problem and scary for the same reason. She gave me the necessary details of the location of an AA meeting and encouraged me to attend. I assured her I would 'try' still thinking to myself that I would not gain anything from attending a meeting with strangers for a problem that I didn't have. (same words shared by thousands). I went in and talked to my husband and other family members who all breathed a sigh of relief that I was taking the first step to recovery. (the whole time I was still thinking I didn't have a problem).
When it came time to leave for the meeting, all my family members encouraged me not to let anything stop me from going and short of waving flags and saluting me, they were encouraging me as if I were about to run a big race. A race I STILL didn't acknowledge that I needed to run. Now here I am, running a race to sobriety and self peace but I'm proud I am on the right track. Today is day 1 and I received my first white chip for 24 hrs of sobriety. I have a sponsor who turns out was someone from my past who I encouraged to seek AA assistance many years ago so I guess in a way the circle does go around after all.
I THOUGHT this was going to be an easy journey after all, 'I had no problem'. After truthfully reading the 12 steps today I can only claim fame for the first one. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. BUT...I have done the first step! I also acknowledge that I'm not ready to master step two but my son told me 'rome wasn't built in a day, mom, just one brick at a time!'