Through the journey of coming to realistic terms of my alcoholism, I have had to come to terms with the aspects of my life that have made me into an alcoholic. Some if not most of the aspects are very difficult to admit and come to terms with. Aspects such as childhood abuses from trusted adults, domestic abuses both verbally and physically in my own adulthood, extreme low self esteem, as well as many other aspects caused from just feeling like crap all the way from my insides to my outsides. Never feeling like I was worth the time of day. Alcohol was my friend during such low moments. Alcohol was never judgmental of my mistakes or bad choices in life. Alcohol was always warming to the cold depths of my being. Alcohol was always welcoming no matter the time of day or night. Alcohol never cared what I was wearing or how my hair and make up looked. Alcohol was my comforter in times of sadness or depression. Alcohol was always forgiving for the many times I did leave it alone for months and even years on end and always embraced me without hesitation when I did pick it up again. I never had to justify myself to the alcohol or explain my actions, feelings, or thoughts.
So why then if alcohol was my friend, do I now find myself trying desperately to escape its grip? Because alcohol was my enemy and will never be my friend again I just didn't know it until now! The realization of the death grip that alcohol had on me causes me great sadness. I have allowed alcohol to ruin many relationships with family that will probably never be able to be able repaired but I can pray for restoration.
Is it true that family genes and heredity add to the possibility of alcoholism? Probably so but it is not the deciding factor on the victims that get sucked into the vortex of alcoholism. I have other family members who have not fallen prey to the demon in the bottom of the bottle. So then why did I become such a willing victim. That answer dear friends, is where the individual work begins for every recovering addict no matter the addiction. We all wonder how and why we got to this place. Why us? When and how did it happen? We didn't just wake up one day and say, 'i think i want to grow up and be a drunk.'.
Ultimately, the how's and why's don't matter as much as the fact that We ARE ALCOHOLICS and only avoidance of the twisted liquid will ever free us long enough to maybe figure how to find the strength, courage, and determination to gain the strength that will keep us sober.
Each time we wake from a drunken stupor we 'draw a line in the sand of life' and say' Never again' but the waves of life soon come up and erase the line the we so determinedly drew. So the only way we can stop the cycle is to draw the line in 'cement of determination and conviction'. A line that is drawn in sand can and will easily be erased and forgotten but a line drawn in cement will forever be edged in our minds and hearts and will constantly remind us of where we came from as drunks to the where we are now as sober individuals.
Even though none of us like to think of our sorted pasts or past mistakes, we must remember so that we can appreciate where we are today. We must remember the destructive path we walked to now know the importance of the road to sobriety for not only for our loved ones but for ourselves.